Good Christian, Bad Sarah.

Nearly seven years ago, I stopped going to church and I don't think I'll ever go back.

I wasn't offended. No one hurt me. There was nothing wrong with the ministry. I didn't hate God. And I absolutely didn't leave so I could live in sin without guilt.

Up to my separation from church, there was never a time in my adult life I was not serving in church on top of a full-time job or full-time course load. My body and soul had been telling me for years that I was not okay, that I was doing too much, that I was giving too much. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually burned out*, but I just kept working and giving and volunteering and serving because that is what I was taught was the right thing to do.

My whole life I'd been taught that being a good Christian was centered around self-denial, self-sacrifice, and self-control.

I made it a practice to completely dismiss any thoughts, feelings or signals from my body that didn't align with what I committed to believe. I was taught that my body was not the real me, and that it was born into sin and only wanted what was bad for me. I was to present my body as a living sacrifice to God which was my "reasonable" service to Him (Romans 12:1). My heart was desperately wicked and I could not trust any of my emotions. When I was sad, I was told to "count it joy". When I was angry, I was told to "walk in love". When I was hurt or abused or bullied I was told to forgive or "turn the other cheek". When I was tired, I was told that "I can do all things through Him". I lived my whole life ignoring my emotions, body, and intuitions in the name of "killing my flesh" and being a good servant of Christ.

I followed all of these teachings whole-heartedly until I came to an impasse: I was not okay. I could keep going in order to uphold myself as a good Christian, or I could be a good Sarah and take care of myself. I chose me. I stopped going to church and serving in ministry because it was no longer healthy for me.

I know it is cliche to say "I've never been happier". But it is true: I've never been happier. I had AMAZING experiences in church and ministry. But NONE of them have brought me the consistent peace, joy, and internal satisfaction as putting myself first in my life. None of my experiences or sacrifices in church brought me to the place of wholeness and balance in life which I have now.

If you don't feel pursuing internal peace, happiness, wholeness, and physical health a good reason to leave church, that's your prerogative. You do you. I am not encouraging you to act against your beliefs. But over here, taking myself off the altar is perhaps the single best thing I've ever done.

To quote John Bytheway, “A man with experience is never at the mercy of a man with an opinion.”

I hope wherever you find yourself that you are prioritizing your health over others'. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot heal others with your own life-force. You are valuable and deserving of your own love and care.

Happy Growing,

Sarah Dawn

*Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.