Sexual Culture in the Church

I've been thinking about what I was taught to believe about sex, gender roles, and relationships. I've also been thinking about my own relationships and experiences with sexual culture in the church. To me, the church has a sordid relationship with sex and seems to have a difficult time marrying biblical instruction for sexual behavior and common sense.

Two things have stuck out to me recently. I'd like to explore, but before I do I need to clarify: these are MY thoughts and opinions. I am not speaking on behalf of God, or Christianity, or the church.

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#1: Women are often held responsible for men's sexual desires, while their own desires are not acknowledged and are demonized.

We see this in rape culture, slut shaming, victim blaming, etc. outside of the church. Those specific things do happen inside the church, but I'd like to talk about their more subtle manifestations in church culture.

If you've grown up in church, chances are you have heard something like the following:

"If women really loved their fellow men, they wouldn’t wear immodest clothes which tempt men to behave outside of who God has called them to be."

Or maybe: "God created men to be more visually aroused than women, so women need to be mindful of what they wear."

I've even heard men's visual nature compared to mental illness (alcoholism).

"If you knew someone was an alcoholic, you wouldn’t flaunt alcohol around them" (referencing women dressing in tight clothes around men).

Those sentiments sound completely normal, rational, and reasonable to many within the church. It is widely accepted that men are visually stimulated and that women should dress modestly to accommodate for it.

I'd like to suggest that while it seems true, these sentiments perpetuate some really wrong and harmful beliefs. Why?

It only acknowledges male sex drive

The church seems to accept that men are sexual beings and that God created them that way, but it doesn't talk about women as sexual beings (which I hate to break it to you - they ARE). Many teach that men are wired for sex and usually emphasize that women are wired for connection. Men are physical. Women are emotional.

It isn't true

We've all heard that men think about sex more than women. But that statement is actually not entirely accurate. A study tracked how often men and women think about their base desires -- food, sex, and sleep. They discovered that men think about ALL their desires more often than women regardless of what they are. So men think about sex more than women, but they also think about food and sleep more than women. In the study, it was discovered that men thought about food, sleep, and sex equally throughout the day -- sex was not the main thing on their minds. Why then does the church focus so much on men's thoughts about sex?! It's weird and kinda gross.

Also, if anyone is wired for sex, it is women. We have an organ that is designed for nothing else but sexual pleasure. Seriously! The clitoris does one thing and one thing only: SEXUAL PLEASURE. Women are literally designed to enjoy sex so much we have an organ dedicated to nothing else. Years of male-centered teaching in the church and in our society has perpetuated the idea that women don't enjoy sex as much as men, or don't want to have it as often as men. All of that is false.

It sets men and women up for failure

Men are raised to be overly sexual/physical and emotionally stunted. They are not taught to develop their emotional intelligence -- which will make them more successful in every arena of their lives and enable more fulfilling relationships with others (for real, this is backed by research). Women are brought up to believe something is wrong with them when they have sexual desires. They don't embrace their sexuality and learn how their bodies work. They are also taught to make exceptions for poor behavior both emotionally and physically by men because "they can't help it, it's how they are wired".

It removes personal responsibility

It is unfair to assert that a woman’s love for herself and her fellow man is contained in the way she dresses, instead of teaching personal responsibility across the board. No one can control the sexual desires of another. It is wrong to place the burden of managing men's sexual desires on women. No matter what a woman wears, the other party is responsible for what they choose to do with their eyes and body.

Also, comparing a man to an alcoholic is absurd. Alcoholism is a disease; being a man is not. Men are not at a disadvantage in life because they are attracted to others. Male sexual arousal is not a disease that should be catered to.

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While I'm close to the topic, let me clear something up: it is not a sin to become sexually aroused. It is not a spirit of lust. Physical sexual arousal is an involuntary natural chemical response in your body. Men and women experience it. It is literally how our bodies are created and it is normal, natural, and healthy. Sexual arousal is akin to smelling food and your mouth watering. Or seeing someone's plate and getting hungry. It is an involuntary chemical response and is completely natural and normal. So, I'm going to say it again: IT IS NOT A SIN TO BECOME SEXUALLY AROUSED.

Just like a food craving, when you have a sex-craving you get to decide what you are going to do with it. If you can't walk past junk food without eating it, that is a personal issue. We'd say you need more self-control, or that you need to look for healthy options to satisfy that craving. If you really cannot control your eating and gorge yourself all the time, we'd tell you to see a doctor or a therapist and find out what's wrong.

In the same way, if you can't control yourself when you walk past an attractive person -- That. Is. YOUR. Problem. If seeing someone in tight pants or a tank top sends you into a tizzy, it isn't that person's fault. It is something that you are responsible for. You need to find healthy ways to deal with your cravings. If your sex drive really seems out of control, you should see a doctor, therapist, or counselor. Let's also remember hormones, sleep, stress, the food we eat and exercise play a huge part in how we experience our sex drive.

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Which brings me to the second thing I've been thinking about:

CHRISTIAN SEXUAL CULTURE GETS WEIRD

If you grew up in church or dated christian men/women who did, you have probably experienced some really weird things pertaining to intimacy.

When you are in a relationship, ideally you would partner with someone who wants the same thing as you. Then the two of you could work together towards the same goal. However, sometimes this is not the case - specifically surrounding the area of sexual intimacy.

In the real world: if you are in a relationship where one person does not want to be sexually intimate, and the other does - rules of enthusiastic consent apply. ~Nothing happens unless both of us want it to.~ If one person tries to pressure or manipulate the other into sex acts, that is a form of sexual assault.

You get to choose who you are in a relationship with. No one is forcing you to be with a person. If they don't want to be intimate and you do -- find someone else. And vice versa, if your partner is pressuring you -- find someone else.

No means no. If someone is sending you mixed signals, you don't want what they're offering. Get outta there. Also, if someone demonstrates to you that they don't respect your boundaries - it's not safe, get out of there, too.

Many church people have been taught their sexual desires are wrong so they haven't learned how to acknowledge, own, and manage them. This causes a very a weird unhealthy phenomenon: people will say they don't want to be intimate -- but they really do -- they just don't want to be responsible for sinning. So they put themselves in situations where the other person pressures them into sex acts. This way, in their conscience, it was the other person who initiated and they said "no"; so they aren't at fault for the encounter.

This blurs the line of consent and sexual assault. In abstinence teaching, no one is supposed to be doing anything, so consent to any type of sexual intimacy isn't even discussed. Women are taught their bodies are evil and their sex drive is wrong. They don't own their bodies and their desires. Men learn that women will say no, but mean yes and vice versa.

Don't make someone low-key assault you because you want sex but are too repressed to admit it or consensually participate.

Another church culture phenomenon I've seen purity culture teaching inspire is: people having sex, but only when they didn't "plan" it. If they planned it, it would be sinning, so they don't plan it "it just happened". Here's where is gets messy: if you bring a condom on a date, it means you planned to have sex. If you're on birth control, it means you planned to have sex. If you bring them back to your place or go back to their place (eg a safe place), you planned to have sex. These mental gymnastics lead to being in unsafe situations, encounters under the influence, health risks, and unplanned pregnancies. This is not healthy emotional or sexual behavior.

You need to figure out what you believe about sex outside of marriage (and inside of marriage) and then decide what you are going to do. I am not here to preach to you or tell you what God and the Bible say, I am merely calling out unhealthy, problematic, destructive things that happen in church culture.

If you want to have sex: acknowledge it, own it, make that decision for yourself. Make good choices, choose your partners, only do what you want to do, and be safe. If you don't want to have sex, then take actions that support that decision - choose partners who support that decisions and figure out how to manage your sex drive (because that isn't going away). It's time to leave these weird sexual practices behind.

Your body and sex drive is yours. Be honest about what you want, and make healthy choices that support it.

Happy growing,

Sarah Dawn