I May Not Get This Right

7 years ago, I was a youth pastor and a minister at my church. I worked in ministry full-time. Today, many of the people I've led in ministry still follow me. As I write this blog (and all my blogs for that matter) I keep that in mind. I feel the weight of continued leadership to do right by you. So, I'd like to have a conversation with you, my readers, about where I've come from and where I am in life currently.

One drawback I experienced working in ministry is that you can never be completely yourself. Why? Because there are parts of you that aren't perfect or don't align completely with the teaching at your ministry. Those parts must never conflict with the example that you are trying to set for those who follow you, so you hide them.

I'll give you a simple example: secular music. If your church leadership teaches against secular music, but you believe it is okay, you might keep it hidden. If people know you listen to secular music, you'll look like a hypocrite. In an effort to set a good example and not contradict the teaching of the house, you hide this part of your life.

I lived in a state of internal conflict for my entire time in ministry.

You have to be as authentic as you can (if you're a good leader), but you cannot share all of who you are and what you think/feel. As a public figure, not everyone needs to know everything about you, so you try to protect your privacy by not sharing personal details. Secondly, you are set up to be an example of the believer and to avoid the very appearance of evil. Well, this is impossible because everyone has different expectations as to what that looks like and what evil is. You tend to edit yourself to be the most universally acceptable version of yourself, keeping in mind the particular flavor of Christian standards expected at your church.

• You might wear stockings on stage because older church members think bare legs are improper. In real life, you'd never wear stockings.

• You might hide "unsaved" friendships or recreational activities that you participate in outside of church.

• You might not share the TV shows or movies you watch (or how often you watch them) due to people's impression of what is appropriate.

• On a social media front, you might never post how you really feel about political or social topics. You have to publicly tow the company line (what your church teaches) on a host of things not explicitly addressed in scripture (i.e. marijuana use, birth control, a host of sexual things, drinking, secular music, etc).

I say all this to say: part of my growth over the last few years is retraining myself not to hide or edit myself to present what I think people need or want from me. I want to be 100% congruent in my words, motives, and actions no matter the environment. I realize I do not have to be a social chameleon anymore. In my day-to-day life I feel pretty comfortable in my skin and consistent in what I say and do. However, when it comes to my blog and my social media presence, I feel I still edit myself and church-it-up a bit. I don't want to disappoint my readers or cause them to feel I've misled them by previously "towing the company line" and now sharing things which are different.

So this is my disclaimer: from here on out this blog will represent a more accurate, aligned version of me. I'll use the language I use in my daily life and I'll talk about topics that are important to me -- not religion and church stuff. I'm learning and growing as I go, so I may not get everything right, but I do hope you will come with me on this journey, it's going to be a good one!

Happy Growing!

Sarah Dawn