The Lady Decides

It was February of 2014. I sat awkwardly across the table from the man who would become the love of my life. At the time, I had no clue who this man was. I knew his name, his age, and what he did for a living. But he was little more than a complete stranger -- a handsome, seemingly brash and opinionated stranger -- but a stranger nonetheless.

I was in a REALLY good place in my life. I was happy, healthy, and fulfilled. For the first time in a long time I was just enjoying life and wasn't looking for a relationship. I was not about to give up my peace just because some cute guy stopped and talked to me in Target. I'd been burned by men and burned by the eagerness of my own heart before. I was not going to let some stranger sucker me again.

Still, as I sat at that table, cold, overdressed, and unable to get comfortable on the hard seat, I couldn't help but like the strong, brazen, talkative man across from me. He describe why he'd walked up to me the week before in Target and asked me out. He told this story of having a silhouette in his mind of the woman he wanted to be with. That silhouette was topped with red curly hair. When he saw me, he saw exactly what he'd always pictured and he couldn't let me walk away without at least introducing himself. He wasn't ashamed to express how smitten he was by me right then and there. I was flattered and a little thrown off by how direct he was.

After that first lunch, we talked every night after we finished our days. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. He was deep, contemplative, and full of thoughts I held within myself but never articulated. He was rough around the edges. He was hurt. He was strong. He was resilient.

With each conversation, I logged away every new piece of information about him. Internally, I was compiling a definition of who he said he was. As I did, I observed him for any discrepancies between what he said and what he did. I wasn't testing him; I was finding out who this man really was and if he was safe to give my heart. I paid attention to his reactions to me. When I shared my heart, how did he respond? When I shared my opinion was he open or dismissive? Was I really safe? Was he just being polite? Did he really care and consider me when I expressed what I liked and didn't like? Did he respect me and my boundaries? Did he try to sway my decisions? Was he okay with being told 'No'?

While I was proceeding with caution, Karamoko threw it to the wind. We were out to dinner about three weeks into our relationship, and Karamoko squeezed my hand, looked into my eyes, and straight up told me he loved me! I was still figuring out if I believed he was who he said he was. The potential for love was there, but it was a commitment I wasn't ready to make. I felt super cringey and pressured to respond in kind. I was NOT ready to move faster. However, I did really liked him and I didn't want things to end if I hit the brakes a bit. He had demonstrated up until that point in time that I could tell him how I felt safely, so I took a leap. I blurted out that I had no idea if I loved him and that him saying it made me feel like he wanted me to say it back.

Without skipping a beat, he said something to this effect:

"I am a grown man and I know what I want and what I feel. I am not afraid to express those things because they are mine and I am responsible for them. I love you because I love you. My love for you is not based on your love for me. When I say 'I love you' it is because I am expressing how I feel, not looking for you to reciprocate the sentiment. You do not have to say it back. I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do, or make any commitments that you are not ready to make. In this relationship, the lady decides. You know where I stand and we will move as fast or as slow as you want to go. If you want to see me, you will. If you don't, I'll be okay. You decide what you want and we will do it."

In that moment, he took all the risk in the relationship upon himself. He freed me to listen to my heart and be clear within myself without any pressure from him. He also gave me permission to not choose him. The way he was honest with me required that I be honest and authentic with him regardless of how I felt. He did NOT want me to sacrifice myself for his feelings. It was the start of a beautiful relationship filled with mutual trust and respect.

Over the next few months, I realized that Karamoko was in fact every bit the person he seemed to be. He was a good man. I did not find one inconsistency between what he said and what he did. He valued and respected my thoughts and opinions. He loved and empowered me. He honored my boundaries. He allowed me the time and safety that I needed to build trust and emotional intimacy with him. He was the real deal, and I'm so happy I gave a random guy who asked for my number in Target a chance.

Sarah Dawn

Originally published 2/06/2016

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2024 Update:

Next month Karamoko and I celebrate seven (10) years of knowing each other and 3 years of marriage. He is absolutely the love of my life and I am so thankful we found each other. We have the essence of the life and relationship that I always dreamed of. We are so thankful and in awe of the life we've created each and every day.

As always, I don't want to perpetuate fantasy. There is no such thing as perfect. Pain and joy are not mutually exclusive, and most of us have a little bit of both in our lives at all times. Karamoko and my relationship is super good AND we're still growing together. Our life is super good AND there are some things we don't like and are working on.

Meeting the love of your life isn't the end-game. Finding/choosing a quality partner is the first step. But a healthy long-term relationship takes more than compatibility and finding a good person. Love is a light that exposes the best parts of yourself as well as your deepest pain and damage. You can't have one without the other. Your relationship can only grow to the extent each of you are willing to address your own issues and grow together. Long term healthy relationships require that each of you be committed to your own personal growth and loving the other while they grow and change.

Another thing: life will change and you and your partner will change. In the last ten years, Karamoko and I have lived through cross-country moves, unemployment (both of us), breaking up, financial insecurity, the death of a parent, deaths of several loved ones, personal and business betrayals, familial challenges, health issues, buying a home, renovating a home and all the joys life has to offer. We are not the same two people from ten years ago. Through it all, we have learned to lean into our love for and connection with each other.

You and your relationship has to be able to evolve as life changes around you. You have to learn how to stay connected and cultivate love in good times and bad. You have to support and embrace your partner as they grow and evolve in their own person-hood.

So, happy growing wherever you are on the path of life and love. Enjoy it! There is no magic formula to follow when it comes to love, dating, and building a life together. There is no "right" way to do it and no perfect relationship. Do what you feel is best for you and never lose sight of your personal health and growth.

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