I Was Not Trained for This

I was 21 years old. I worked in the church office full-time and worked four nights a week as a waitress at a local restaurant. I grew up in the church attending service at least two times a week for as long as I could remember. I did all the church extracurriculars as well. I sang on the praise team and was in the choir for a bit, danced on the dance team, worked in Children's Church, volunteered on the outreach team, and attended all the youth events. I even led a Bible study in my high school. When I graduated, I went to Bible College and was just as involved in serving in the church there.

At the ripe old age of 21, I'd spent more time in the church/doing ministry than anywhere else in my life. I was an expert at church. I knew the culture, understood the power structure, accepted all the unspoken rules, and felt comfortable in my theology (what I believed about God and the Bible). I knew I was called to ministry at 14, and I had spent years and years of my life invested in the church so I could be prepared for God's calling on my life.

And then I met Marcie. She began working at at the same restaurant, and her personality was overwhelming. She was an incredibly strong extrovert, with no respect for personal boundaries. She had also been raised completely devoid of religion. When she found out I wasn't just a waitress, but also worked in ministry she was both fascinated and appalled. She had no grid for church or ministry or what the Bible actually said about anything. One of the first questions she asked was if I could have sex, or was I "like a nun". I explained that there was nothing wrong with having sex, and that I wasn't required to be celibate for life -- I just believed sex was only for marriage and I was waiting until then. This answer was quickly followed by a question pertaining to how often I pleasured myself if I wasn't having sex. She was even more mortified to hear that christians didn't believe in masturbating either.

I couldn't tell if Marcie's questions were irreverent and mocking, or out of a place of genuine curiosity. Though they were highly personal and pushing the boundaries of propriety, I think Marcie may have been concerned for me. She felt like I had been brainwashed, or that I was somehow trapped in this religion and didn't know there was a whole world outside of it. She could not believe I didn't drink, smoke, have sex, or even curse. This all was not normal to her. She tried to get me to drink with her, tried to hook me up with cute boys, tested my integrity on the job, and asked other people we worked with if I was really as good as I said I was. I had no idea how to respond to Marcie. I felt violated by her, and also like it was my duty to display who God was and the life of a real Christian. I just kept my head down, did my job, and tried to be a good witness to her. After a few months, I quit my job at the restaurant and didn't see Marcie anymore.

Around Christmas, I get a call from Marcie telling me she became a Christian. I was incredibly skeptical and I asked her what that meant. She simply said, "I prayed the prayer, I'm a Christian now." I'm sure she told me how she came to this conversion, but so many years later, I do not remember the details. What I do remember is that she said I was the only Christian she knew, and she wanted to find out what she was supposed to do now. We talked for a bit and I highly encouraged her to find a church and get involved so she could learn and grow.

I began taking her to my church as a start. Things did not go well. Marcie was still Marcie. She was a bull in a china shop and didn't know any of the unspoken church rules. I honestly had never realized how many social rules we had and how weird they were until I had to explain them to her.

• Hug everyone, even strangers. We're all family here.

• Sit where the ushers tell you to.

• Don't stand up and ask questions mid-service even when the speaker says a word you don't understand.

• Don't walk up to talk to the pastor before he's about to preach.

• Appropriate shouts of response are "Amen" and "Preach", not "Hell, yeah!"

• Don't come to church in your pajamas.

• Praise and worship is not the time to take pictures with the flash on.

• You need to stand up and put something in the bucket every week.

• You can't ask the pastor where the money goes.

• Yes, you should hear from God for yourself, but you need to be under spiritual authority so that you're not out of order.

• A person's title IS part of their name. It's not "Bob", it's "Elder Bob".

• Don't ask someone praying in tongues what they're saying.

• Don't ask someone laying hands on you what they're doing or why they're doing it.

• Don't ask people who "give you a word" how they know that and to explain themselves.

• Getting up in the middle of service is rude.

• Make sure you go out the door on the right, not the door on the left. I know there are no signs, but the ushers will scold you if you go out the wrong one.

• Don't come to church in a short skirt or something that shows off your cleavage.

• A baby christian cannot get up on stage and teach seasoned believers.

• The pastor is your "spiritual father," but that doesn't mean you're invited to his home or that he will take a personal interest in you.

• A good Christian is at church every time the doors are open. It doesn't matter if you need to work or do personal things. Take off from work. Don't make personal plans on the weekends - you need to go to church.

Marcie really struggled with church culture and just didn't seem to pick up on the social queues of those around her. Her questions were not just about the Bible, but also about why we did things the way we did. They were questions I wasn't used to answering. Now mind you, I was a college educated Bible scholar. I knew what the Word of God said and why, and yet I was struck with how weird what I believed sounded when I explained it to someone with no grid of the artifacts of Christian culture.

My church preached about tithing at every service. To her, it sounded like we needed to pay God to bless us, like a bribe or paying the mob to protect you so that bad things don't happen to your family or business. I explained it was just the law of sowing and reaping like karma, you get what you give. So, she asked why it had to be given to a church, why couldn't she just give 10% of her income to people in need or to other causes. "Because God said so", was the only answer I had.

It was brutal trying to mold her to believe as I did. I tried to start at the beginning and explain salvation and what happened spiritually when she gave her life to Christ. I told her about redemption from sin and all the benefits we enjoy as believers because, "we are no longer under the law or the curse and have been made the righteousness of God in Jesus." I was not prepared for the logic of her questions.

Well how come Tonya -- who is a believer -- was in a car accident this week? Why didn't God protect her since she's under his covenant? And what about those who get sick or get cancer? Jesus died to heal them, why aren't they healed? What about Stevon, he's about to be evicted? I thought God was supposed to supply all our needs? What's the benefit of being saved if it doesn't actually work? What about people who get saved but are gay? Are they not going to heaven? Why would God make people one way and they send them to hell for it? If we're all God's children, why are we all not equal? Why do we treat the pastor and elders as if they are better than us? If I've already been redeemed and I'm saved, why do I have to try to stop sinning? What exactly is considered a sin? If we're all God's children, why are we all not equal? Why do we treat the pastor and elders as if they are better than us?

Her questions were exhausting! These things made perfect sense to me because I’d been taught them as truth since I was a child. I’d been groomed in the Christian way of thinking and honestly had never considered how inconsistent some of my beliefs were from a logical perspective. I hate to say it, but I honestly just wanted to her take what I said as truth, not think about it, and just move on with her life as a good little Christian. I felt like she was attacking my beliefs and what I held dear. It put me somewhat on the defensive and I did not do a good job teaching her.

​I won't go into detail, but things did not end well. Marcie could not be forced...er, uh…discipled to conform to what I believed or the culture of my church. She was a square peg in a round hole, and things did not work out well between us or between her and the religion I preached. I tried really hard, but I could not be what she needed, and what I believed did not help her. It was very messy all around and my actions (though justified in my eyes) hurt her deeply.

Marcie was my first experience trying to bring someone into the church and things turning sour when they couldn't or wouldn't conform to the way we do things. Since then, I've seen it happen over and over and over. People who ask too many questions, who don't follow the traditions, and who refuse to accept things just because they're told it's true - often have very poor experiences with Christians and the Church. I carry the weight of what happened to Marcie and others to this day.

As much as we hate to see it, most of us churched believers are a part of a religious culture, full of unspoken rules and expectations that really have nothing to do with Christ or what He said is important. We hold on to these cultural artifacts and wound anyone who doesn’t accept them – we even eat our own. We often accept toxicity and manipulation wrapped in spiritual authority because we’ve been taught it’s okay. There is so much of christian and church culture that is incredibly harmful (personally, emotionally, mentally) to those who participate, and those on the outside whom we try to bring into the fold. It is time that we begin to examine ourselves and the culture we have created or are complicit in.

I'll share more later. In the meantime, I hope you'll ask God to call attention to anything you've done or have experienced in the confines of church and religion that isn't healthy or His heart.

Happy growing!

Sarah Dawn